Life is precious. Our lives have become even more precious. This year the virus came into it and we learned how much of our lives we had taken for granted. For in a matter of weeks life as we knew it was gone. The virus had come and trapped us inside our homes. Restricting our ways of life’s enjoyment. Our feeling safe with one another.  
 
Yes, we have lived thru a year like no other. One where at its end we are glad to be alive. Let’s take the time to give thanks and gratitude to ourselves for what we have done to be still here. For how we were able to keep our families thriving while living through the pandemic. 
 
At the end of March, as we were ordered not to leave our homes. No longer in charge of our lives. Forced unwillingly and without experience, faced with new challenges, we had to do something, to keep ourselves and our families safe, somehow maintain our homes. And we did. 
 
At home 24/7. With our personal stress of issues, wondering how we will pay our bills, times we questioned where the next meal would come from. Kids couldn’t go to school and we, without teacher training was expected to create school, along with recess at home. Some of us lost our jobs. Some had to go to work regardless of the danger. It was overwhelming, but we had no choice under the circumstances. We, as mothers and fathers recreated ourselves, learning to do what would keep us and our family alive and thriving.  
 
Caught in the magnitude of it all, if you felt like me, bewildered by what was happening. We found ourselves in the true land of the unknown. Putting us in doubt of… if and how we would survive. Leaving us questioning our ability to do so.   
 
We searched within ourselves to find our way in this brand-new world full of terrible predictions. The pandemic, the politics, the behavior of our fellow citizens. The challenges we faced was not just the fear of illness. But also, as time passed, we came to question the intentions of the government to control this virus.  
 
Decisions made which sent out conflicting messages of what to do to stay safe. Politics interfering and confusing solutions. Its consequence was the division in the minds of American citizens as we fought to stay safe from Covid-10. Came down to if everyone would agree to wear a mask. Such a simple solution turned by politics into by some a personal refusal to act from the realistic perception, of the life and death situation we are in. As they chose not to. 
 
Under these circumstances, we could have been easily thrown up our hands. Giving into the atmosphere of powerlessness. But we used our basic coping skill, the one we had learned to use over time. One that has constantly insured our survival. We connected to our strength and we just… “Kept on Keeping on.” Doing what we needed to do to keep ourselves and our family safe and alive. 
 
Think about it.  
Look back at the beginning of the year…who were we?  
What were we doing? What were we enjoying? 
 
Asking yourself? 
What has changed? 
Who have we become since then?  
What can we do now we didn’t think or know we could?  
What new have you learned about yourself this year? Your strength? Your coping skills? Your resilience? 
What are the challenges you overcame? What was good in your life did you manage to hold on to and is still in your life today?  
 
Are our families and ourselves are safe? Still living in harmony with one another. Maybe not perfectly but with the desire to do so. 
We found ways to deal with not being together…one on one, with our loved ones and friends?  
Had to find new ways to entertain ourselves other than how we used to. Along came Zoom. Our only outlet for face to face togetherness. Turns out it became a blessing. 
 
Are there experiences created out of this chaos, you have come to enjoy and are thankful for? 
Are you looking forward to the future, in spite of the chaos this year? 
 
Say yes… I did do it. 
So, no matter what we have been thru, we must celebrate. Our steadfastness. Our faith. Our commitment. The trust we placed in ourselves, in our family. 
Our “keep on keeping on” in spite of the odds. 
 
Celebrate because we did not give up. 
We faced it. Stood up to it. Sometimes we weren’t able to, but we did the best we could. We did not quit. 
 
Finally, I want to remind. 
Don’t forget to talk with the children. Ask questions to see what their understanding of these events are. Encourage them speak to about their fears, what are they thinking, and what they think these changes and what they mean to them. Help them create ways to manage these feelings. Tell them stories of how our elders, their ancestors made it thru.  Create an open and accepting conversation, letting them believe, when they come to you, you will listen to hear them. A place where they can find comfort and response to their concerns. 
 
Encourage them to celebrate themselves, too. They hung in, they adapted as best they could. Speak to them, point out their successes. Help them, show them how to give themselves credit. Listening to you as you explain how thankful you are for their efforts. Show it to them from their point of view and not how we may have experienced it. It is important to help them understand what they did to help keep the family going, too. This conversation will help them to believe in themselves and instill within themselves hope for their future. BELIEVE YOU DESERVE THE SELF-PRAISE AND… 

Celebrate yourself!!! 
 
We Wish You and Your Family a Happy Holiday 
​
From Eddie Mae, Catherine, Omar and Lois ,Your Caregiver Facilitators 
 ​

​As You Discover Your Way Of Dealing Day To Day,
Let Me Share The Following Ways I Been Using

​Had thought by now we would be out and about learning to live our lives in this new way. But still be remain in our world and that of our children still centered at home. With us the caregivers being given the responsibility to keep it together for our family. We’ve had to become teachers, recreation directors, and technical experts.
A demand without inquiring, “can you do this.” Being the caretakers, we are, we take it on…we follow thru. Learning thru zoom. Manipulating our days to fit these new obligations.  Finding faith in our determination to be there for our children. Succeeding doing our best, not to become overwhelm by its expectations. But then I must admit at times it can look or feel as though we are been successful, but I become uplifted by the fact I am up and at it, regardless.
 
The is an article I wrote in April, at the beginning of the shutdown. I can see it is still a conversation to be had. The first is about what I had to do for myself to be at peace with these new expectations. The second is the suggestions as to how to handle be at home with your children. In each I learned to be aware of expectations and my willingness and ability to fulfill. Aware of those by the system, my family, my children, and most importantly, myself.

FOR ME PERSONALLY,

                I Discovered I Had Learn To Be Comfortable With Being At Home.
 
I Relax
          Practice: I can do only what I can do. No matter how much there is. No matter who it is for. No matter what’s there is to do. “Resist its beck and call” and have learned to not feel guilty if I refuse. Believe, trust all will take care of itself till and if you can get to it or to them. Avoid thinking I have to get it “all” done, without taking into consideration what you are going thru personally. This will wear you out. This is what I have call, the stress I personally cause to me. To be real, take what used to be what we did normally, even then it wasn’t always possible to always get it all done. I can’t expect myself to do that now, especially when we add to it, the new demands being made of us today. I had to remind myself every day. It’s only been SIX MONTHS. In that time my whole life has come to feel out of control. I work hard not to fret over what it was and to concentrate on what it is now.

Breathe
Stop and take notice of your breath. Do you hold your breath? Or can you breathing thru any news you get reminders of the changes being made and the loss you are experiencing. I took time to sit and get in touch with my breath, its connection has brought ease to the heaviness I was and am feeling. I kept in mind as I exhale, I am letting go the worry and inhaling the belief, it will be okay. And, for the moment I believe and relax. I am learning to rest in it as much as I can and let it be. Keep in mind the possibility of the different kinds of stress or its resulting trauma, you may be feeling. Noticing gives you the possibility of managing it so it does not take you on its trip, unconsciously.

I Refused to be bored
Believe, I can be bored only if I let myself be. Find something you enjoy to fill your time. It may be difficult; we are not used to entertaining ourselves totally at home. Be creative. Be persistent. What is there at home to do you enjoy doing? What is something that’s gone undone, which can be done, want to or not? Become that child within again remember its imagination. Hobbies…have any? Take on one. Find or discover a self-expression which will put your mind in a place of peace. Be sure to include a time for pleasure during the day. For you or your family.
 
Self-Care
 Take time to sit quietly to gather your thoughts. Yes, do it no matter what’s calling you to do. This will support your efforts to manage your day. Time to clear your thoughts and see what’s to do right in front of you. I am also, learning what REST is for me and its importance in how i manage my day. We must take time for ourselves.
A time you can tell it, the beck and call, “I will get to you once I have RESTED.” And be okay with it till you do. Movement/exercise is essential. Even if it’s just to walk around the house from room to room or up and down the stairs for a certain amount of time. Play your favorite music and dance, Learn something new, do something you’ve never done, read about something you don’t know anything about. Stretching releases, the energy we call stress you may be holding in your body. Make yourself important too, don’t stop taking care of yourself.

                               Answer. What do I do to pamper myself? …Do it!

                              CHILDREN AT HOME 24/7… MANAGING YOURSELF
                                               SO, YOU CAN MANAGE THEM
 
                        Keep your mind on not fulfilling unrealistic expectations.
 
                             Answering to Challenge of Child at Home All Day
 
I practice, I can do only what I can do. No matter how much there is needing to get done. No matter who it is for. No matter if I gave my word. No matter the consequences for me or others. Let it go. And I make peace with it as it is let go. Don’t expect perfection, just effort. When your mind set does not include this intention it becomes, the stress, “I personally cause myself.” It happens with each choice made to do something without the stop to think, “if I have the realistic ability to accomplish it,” before committing. And then, when I don’t, thinking I should have, I go thru its resulting stressful, emotional conflicts. We know as guilt, regret and blame. Is this something you experience, also? During these times as you chose how to cope with it, it’s important to maintain consideration of what you, yourself are going thru personally. Ask yourself? How stressed am I now? What do I am to do now and what must I do to get it done? How much physical energy and mental stability do I have left to give?
 
This you should know, because it represents a coping skill. Cause to know this is something you, know it, You are better able to manage your choices during your day to day. Another benefit, I gained with this practice, I am becoming more accepting of myself, if I don’t. You are being mother, wife, worker, teacher and so on. Working petty much from your home. Remember you are working to get it done along with your limitations at the time. In these times of uncertainty, keeping our minds on our own personal struggle… as we do what it is to do in that minute… Will lessen the stress in the moment. Just think of what you normally had done. Are you still thinking, feeling you need to get it done, too? Now as you do your best to still get that done today. What of the new demands being made for us and of us, by this shut down? Are you aware of the adaptations you are making today, doing differently from how you used to do?
 
I am constantly aware of the what I call, “the count on…” In other words, the what I cannot count on anymore or how it is changed.
 
Think of the difference in the decisions you made in January and the choices you have today. Think of the decisions being made of us without our input. If trauma is an event with life changing consequences, we are traumatized. And, stress is a reaction to trauma, we are stress on levels unknown to us before.
 
It is important last words… Be sure to be aware expectations you have of yourself. Keep in mind your limitations at the time, so to know what. Stop to ask yourself if it is possible to get it all done. Decide with your best interests in mind, too.
 
        Above All Don’t Get So Stressed, That Peace Is Hard To Find For Yourself.
 
Connect with your children
Hug them every day cause as you hug them, you also give them a chance to hug you. Helps them to feel safe. For it says to them, It’s go'n be alright, I am here.” Even when you may doubt it yourself.

Give them words and visions of hope and encouragement to ease their fears. Helping them to speak about what they are afraid of, will help you get in touch with yours, too. And at the same time will open your solution mind, finding ways to help them deal with theirs.

Think of them as, being just as stressed as you are. They have will have questions. Be sure to be ready to answer their questions no matter how difficult or seemly out of place. Do your best to be opened to them. They are wondering, trying to figure out too. They cannot do it by themselves.

Keep in mind the limited understanding of what going on and its consequences for them, they may have. Above all, they are frightened. Just as you their minds are asking, “what’s gon happen to me.”

They too, are thinking of” how it’s supposed to be…how it’s supposed to happen. Their belief in their security changes every day as yours does. They are trying to understand and adjust just like you. Cause just like you, their routines have changed. What they used to do, they can no longer do, just like you. Do your best not to be impatient with them, they will need time to adjust to this change along with you.

Ask self, in the moment if you can… feeling to explode, is it my personal overwhelmness or the frustration, I am feeling with the moment. Knowing this can prevent stress from. Be sure to include them as the understanding of the adjustments, the family has to make during the shut-down. Especially, those you might have to continue, those the family will have to make after the shut-down is over. And as you talk to them, be as specific as you can about what will be expected of them because of it and why.
This will add to their sense of security. Keep in mind understanding followed by practice, will be difficult for them because of what they don’t know.  And yet have to learn…Be aware of possible conflict if you expect more of them than they can do.
Most importantly be patient they are children and just as you, they have their own difficultly understanding and reacting to this time of crisis. Watch out for unrealistic expectations of yourself, of yours for others, of the children, and those coming from the outside world.
 
 
Home Schooling Ease
 
            Don’t let their behavior get the best of you. Of course, it may, but if you can take time to breathe and remember this is only their increased stress acting out.
Learn to tell if it Is different than before the shutdown? If so, it may be a sign of additional stress.
Awareness of this will aid you to be better able to react in a way which will produce acceptance and cooperation by them.
It’s a good idea to do your best to maintain the same routine as if they were going to school. Meaning they are at school at home and the time will be spent as such.
Set it up that way. Be sure to include them in the plans as you and they create this school at home routine.
How and when they will complete their assignments. Deadlines. Rewards.
How you will participate? What will you participate in? What they will be responsible for themselves.Don’t fuss or beg. Set consequences.
What will happen if they complete their studies, giving attention to the times they are cooperative and follow the plan.

Using the, “You will be able to…if you…”  “I want you to be able to look at TV or play games, but you must finish your assignments for the day.”
This puts it on them, it becomes their responsibility. It will be your responsibility to hold yourself and them to the agreement.
Talk to them about the changes as they happen, as much as you feel they will understand without increasing their stress. Let your conversation be according to their age and understanding.
Be sure to ask what they know or what they would like to know, so as not to overwhelm them with information they don’t need to know.
This will prepare you to react in a way which will produce acceptance by them.
Include in the routine breaks which allow them to do something fun. So, include those activities as you and they plan.

            Above all this is an opportunity for family time. Even during this challenge to yourself and family, it will be important to pay attention to ways your family members come together to maintain harmony.

This will help rebuild the family foundation as you and your family move into our new reality.
 
My Last Thought…
 
What our lifestyle will be in the coming time, is extremely uncertain. We struggle to manage these unbelieve-able challenges to our daily life. This is a stressful and traumatic time with changes calling for sacrifice. Sometimes it feels to me, I can’t it get a hand on one thing when up pops another. Little time, to catch my breath.
 
             This shut down is the trauma, shared by all. As in all things our response to it, will decide the level of stress it will cause us. Meaning, maintaining some level of peace will be difficult, in this topsy-turvy world as we watch all we know change. In the coping with it, we may find ourselves feeling and acting from panic. We worry, questioning its loss and become fearful of how we can live without it. Looking ahead we search for signs of what the world is becoming and what of our lives, we will get back again? Attempting to prepare ourselves for what it might be.
            I found the best way to myself prepare, will be my answer to … What are ways I cope?  I must know for myself, just what am I do to get me to the next day? This way I acknowledge my strength. Determination, I use to get up each day and face its challenges. Makes me think of those valleys, those rivers we cross not to mention those mountains we must climb to reach the other side. And as we arrive let’s keep in mind, the struggle also included as much joy as it did pain. So, as we “keep on, keeping on” together let’s not forget to see the joy. Finding the pleasure in each thing we get done, as we make it thru each day.
            Want to share something, I read this out loud to myself every day. I do this to make its message real for me. I repeat it to myself during the day. I give thanks, because it is becoming more and more my first thought. It has become one of my coping skills.  What I do…My ability to keep on, keeping on. What I use… to make a way. Self-Care is my deliberate practice of knowing my needs and desires.Taking responsibility to achieve them and then live my life. In a way that leaves me feeling blessed by them. Lois.
​
Need some supportive conversation. I invite you to join our “Wellness on Zoom” support group. We come together every other Friday, from 10:30-12:30. If you are interested email: loisk@edgewood.org or call me at 415-317-6709. I will share the link with you. So, join us, Bring your cup of coffee or tea. Let’s chat.

The purpose of our “Caregiver speaks” space is to remind, you as a relative caregiver, to stay connected to your needs and personal wishes. I have been given this opportunity to speak about the experience of being a kinship parent and describe what I did to keep going in spite of. I want share ideas to uplift, perhaps give direction in your struggle as you be this specialized parent and still have a satisfying life for yourself.
 And to this end, I will be sharing my experiences and the lessons learned as a Relative caregiver.  Having been one for 31 years.
 
I call it specialized parenting, cause it is parenting for the second time. And, because we make the choice to become a parent to a child, be it one from our family or that of a friend. We take them in, to include their needs amongst those we are already doing our best to satisfy. It being our wish to keep them with us, and not be sent away into the system. We bring them in most times unaware of the trauma they may have gone thru. We desire to heal, to protect them from harm. At times not knowing how, when our attempts are met with angry uncooperative reactions. We commit our hearts, our energy to the life of this child, in our way promising to be there as a parent for them… for life.
 
            Yes, being a relative caregiver does reward us with great satisfaction. But the joy I speak of, the joy I learned of, is the satisfaction felt at time spent doing what I enjoyed. This is the replenishment of the spirit of “keep on keepin on.” In my experience I have found, if I maintained what gave me joy, I remained alright. For example…
 
            In very year before I got the kids, I had signed up for fall classes at City College. I was going to fulfill my dream of being an entertainer and a fashion stylist. I signed up to take Ballet and Tap, a beginning acting class, and a fashion image consulting class.  The classes were to start in September, the children were mine in August.
 
            This is a dilemma, I believe, we all find ourselves in at the time of that decision in some way or other. How do we continue what we are already doing? Follow thru on some future plan we had, such as a vacation, or even retirement. Learning while we do, what we must do to include the needs of the children? Can we do both? And, it’s usually our plans which get sacrificed.
 
            So, it was for me at the time. I soon had to give up my job, too. I laugh at that now. It was to have been my pension job. I had worked mostly part time most of my life and Time had come and I had to decide to get a full time job with a pension which is why I found myself behind the desk at the DMV. Yes, the DMV. That was my income life insurance policy.
 
            Before I got the kids, I had been working there for three years and was in a space, where I had the time to go to school, so off I went to register.  Ten days before school started, I became what is called today a relative caregiver. My son and his wife arrested. I had a 5 day old infant, an 11 month infant, a two year old toddler, and an 8 year old.
 
            Oh, of course, at first, someone volunteered to help. That lasted for a week. I was desperate. Without help, I began to question how was I gon do this? Or, what had I got myself into? Could I continue to work? How was I going to manage an income?
 
            Now, without income or support. Family members still in shock, unable to come to my aid. I imagine, while deciding and agreeing to the permanency of kinship parenting, and all that means and comes to mean, those questions have arose for you, too.
 
            I decided I couldn’t do it, meaning continue to work.  My office manager was at kind enough to let me take a leave. Even to work some weekends. But as I lived the life I had chosen, I knew I could not do it all. Well there I was without my dream and without a job. What could I do? After my savings were gone, I became a needy payee. I was on welfare. Thank goodness for the foster care check. We managed.
 
            Then, the Grandparents Who Care, entered my life.  This was before it was called Kinship. I found support. I learned of ways to work within the system to find the assistance I needed. I was given the encouragement to become an advocate for the children and myself. In the group I found other women doing what I was and who understood, who listened to me and who told me, in my first meeting, when I began to cry, “It’s alright to cry.” “Go on and cry.” Those words are why I am with the kinship program today.
 
            You see, whether it be known, our support group, “Grandparents Who Care” became the national model and it has transformed itself into the Kinship program. Making our needs known and meet was not an easy process. It began as we spoke to lawmakers in Sacramento, urging them to create the necessary legislation which would recognize our need the support as we cared for children, who would have gone into the system.
           
             We spoke to the social services and helped them to define the kind of program and services which would serve our needs. We wanted them to understand we represented another kind of need for support. We wanted to get them to see the role we were playing and how it was affected us. We wanted to show them how by accepting our grandchildren it was also helping them.
 
            Being a member of the group, gave me the courage to move out of my comfort zone. By doing so, I was able to find the opportunities for them. Scholarships to private schools, free summer camps.
 
The program for Kin taking care of Kin has changed over the years and I’ve been a part of as it changed.  What was Grandparents Who Care, has become what is now called Relative Caregivers. No longer just grandmothers, but sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and at time just friends of the family.
 
This gives me the historical recall to determine what I learned and how I used it to cope. This is my wish to share. The key to remaining strong and resilient is the importance of maintaining self-attention. It’s “the what” I continue to do for myself. The life about me I can maintain.
 
By that I mean those activities and enjoyments you have always enjoyed, before you became a kinship caregiver. Those you can continue doing in spite of the additional responsibility. Yes, sometimes, as I have found, when we do take that time, someone or something, may go undone, someone may feel neglected. I had to learn how to find a balance between that caregiver I am and the care I give to myself.
 
            There were times I was up to it and there came times I wasn’t. You see being a member of the group, gave me the courage to move out of my comfort zone. Each week I could go to the meeting and hear how others were coping and then share how I was not coping. This group of sisters, was a gift of healing. It kept me strong in my faith… believing in me…”I can do this.”
 
            As, I look back at those times and their consequences, like most of us, I tended to focus on the results with unwanted outcome. This focus left me on my case feeling I was not meeting their needs. Now that they are grown I see I left out those which created confidence and self-awareness within them.
 
            Because I have raised my grandchildren and can look back, if I could have comforted myself in some way, I would have said to myself, “Lois, you can only do want you can do.” And for me not to be on my case, thinking, I was not all I thought I needed to be. I would have said to myself, “Think about what all you are doing and who you are doing it for.” I would have check out their results to evaluate, the outcome and the effects my efforts. To decide which will have my best interests in mind, too.  I would have asked myself, “Are you still doing what brings you joy?” “What are you doing to replenish the energy you are giving out?”
 
            I would have paid more attention to how I was managing my personal health and wellbeing. I would have remembered to grieved my lost my lost too. Recognizing the lost I felt too, I would have given myself the space. Living with the consequences of not allowing myself to take the time for myself. As I look back, as I made the decision, I would have insisted, I take into consideration, the reality of my lifestyle, of my health, my financial status and my personal state of mind, when I accepted this challenge.  Not that I would have not made the same decision. I would have been more compassionate with myself.
 
So, the bottom-line lesson, I learned is as I parented my grandchildren… I must remember to take care of me too.
 
This brings us back to the reason for “Caregiver Speaks.” It acts as a reminder to think of ourselves as we parent. To remember we must not put off doing what maintains our well- being, doing what brings us joy as we care for our family. We need a feeling of personal achievement. A smile inside just for ourselves.
​

Just what is stress anyway????

• Gain understanding of what causes you stress and how it affects you personally.
• Ask and answer: What is keeping me from doing what will bring ease to my stress?
• Use what you learn to manage your stress by answering: what can I or am I willing to do about it?

How to cope with it…tools to use:

• Breathe to relax and say as you breathe…”I breathe in…I smile. I breathe out I release.”
• Sit. Allow yourself time just to sit without thinking of what there is to do or going undone
• Sleep…a deep restorative sleep
• Rest at the end of the day allows you to calm down and get perspective on stressful issues. Sleep will prepare you for the next day…emotionally balanced and full of energy.
• Ask and answer: am I eating in response to my stress?
• Laugh for the joy of it. Cry. Don’t hold back your need for tearful release
• Watch your pace are you moving to your own personal rhythm
• Communication. Notice how you to others and how you allow others to talk back to you. Learn to say YES or NO. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. What kinds of things are you telling yourself?
• Grace. Notice the lack of drama that comes as you let others do for themselves. Gratefulness: Be grateful. Don’t take yourself for granted and allow others to take you for granted either.
• Relax. Don’t take it or make it so serious. See both sides of it.

There are check in questions we use to start our caregiver meetings and the question this month was:
 
“Besides spanking, what are some of the ways you discipline your kinship children?”
 
We, facilitators asked ourselves, if a new caregiver asked this question of us, how would, we answer. We decided it was important to start with a foundation which outlined family rules and household expectations. These are our ideas answers.
 
1.Explain your house rules on day one, along with their consequences. Make sure they are simple and directed toward the infraction. Allow them to ask questions and may be suggest changes which will accommodate them, also.
2.Be consistent about the rules and consequences. Refuse to give into face to face opposition. Remain the parent doing your job…preparing them to be responsible for choices they make and for the resulting consequences.
3.Come to know each child as an individual. This will determine the expectations you will have of the child and those you have for yourself.
4.Accept you may need to update parenting skills. Ways to parent a traumatized child. Ways to parent as the traumatized person you are too.
5.Put into practice ways to include the child in the household decision making process. Maybe to include them in the what, it takes to maintain their home and their responsibility in it.
 
We would say to any new kinship parent, put in place an expectation of behavior and of cooperation in the beginning, they will help you manage any future stress, which comes with parenting a kinship child.

​My Hello to you the Kinship Caregiver from Caregiver Speaks... 
In the last month I have been given several opportunities to talk about what Kinship is. So, I thought I would write down my thoughts to share. 
Kinship is…  
Taking in and personally caring for a family member or friend’s child.  
Making them a part of your personal family. Giving them the same love and attention you would give your own. 
Making a commitment to what feels like and which sometimes becomes, a life-long responsibility for their well-being. 
Kinship is another word for what began as the support group, “Grandparents Who Care”. A support group for grandmothers who stepped up to be there for their grandchildren. The name has since changed to Relative Caregiver, which now includes all relatives, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and sometimes just friends of the family. 
What does it mean to be a Relative Caregiver?  
It means I stepped up, when my heart heard the voice of the child. 
I went took them in my arms, into my heart and brought them home with me. 
It means… 
It comes as a willing sacrifice. 
I am altering my life to include this child. 
I am accepting these new responsibilities which comes with caring for this child. 
I put aside myself, again to raise a child. 
I remember my moment.  
Both parents unable to parent. I sat with the children of my son along with the ones he had accepted to be a father too. That night I promised them, ‘I would take care of you and that everything going to be alright.” It was a scary moment because, in reality, I did not know how, but I knew somehow I would. My mind was alive with ideas of what I could do to make that promise come true, along with my willingness to do them.  
To say you will, your intentions do not always match, with what you must handle in order to keep promise made. Like they say "Life gets in the way." Finances change. Your health comes to be a factor. Support is not always there. Children come to you angry and resentful. Somehow seemingly to blame you for the failure of the parents. With them, slow to and sometimes, not able to recognize the difference, it is hard to take at times. We can't always find a solution that will ease the pain they act out and that we feel ourselves. And then there may come a time, we will sometimes throw up our hands and want to give up. Those times do pass and regardless, we learn love and faith can conquer despair and frustration. So as Kinship parents, despite the changes and the emotional obstacles, we keep on keeping on. 
 
This is then is what Kinship is to me: a love that keeps on keeping on.  
 
It’s called Resilience.   

Kinship is... 

Resilience …Is the strength of spirit to recover from adversity.
When we experience disappointment, loss, or tragedy, we find the hope and courage to carry on. Humor lightens the load when it seems too heavy. We overcome obstacles by tapping into our deep well of faith and endurance. At times of loss, we come together for comfort. We grieve and then move on. We create new memories. We discern the learning that can come from hardship. We don’t cower in the face of challenge. We engage fully in the dance of life.

Be Blessed. Stay Strong. Say to yourself...
"I am doing the best I can. I cannot be all things to all people all the time.
Be grateful give yourself recognition for each time you...pick yourself up and keep doing."
 
Lois.

Hello everyone.
 
I am looking forward to our conversations this year, as we practice what it takes to be a parent, a caregiver and still make sure we take care of ourselves at the same time. Our conversations will range from ways to establish and maintain our health, our personal lives, to those possible parenting issues that come up from time to time. Becoming aware of those habits, those strengths we use to get what we do done. And still find ways to give ourselves time, space and peace.
 
I want to start off this year with what the New Year has come to mean. It’s the time when we all look at ourselves and find something we want to change. We make promises to ourselves that are called resolutions. I thought about this process and realized I rarely followed thru on these promises and promised myself I would not put myself thru it this time.
 
I came across the suggestion to pick a word which symbolizes an action I want to take and let it become my intention for the year. This seemed like a good idea. I want to share it with you.
By choosing this word, all I would have to do, would be to give it my full attention.  Being persistent and acting on what it would take to make it happen. After thought and consideration I came to my word. It is… Rest.
 
I want you to come with me as I learn what this will mean for me. Discovering what I have to do to make this happen for me? And just has I have, pick a word for yourself so that we can travel this road together. As we share our obstacles, we will also support each with our own overcomes. 
 
Now I had decided to REST, I had to define it for myself. I actually had an experience which showed me what it is for me. One day, I was caught in conflict over whether or not I would stop to rest even as my body was telling me, “I need to rest.” “But you got so much to do” my mind told me. As the reality of what was happening to me physically, slapped me on the side of my head, I heard myself tell me, “Girl, sit down and rest.” And I sat down. I rested.
 
In time as I thought it thru, I have come to see what Rest is for me…
“It’s When You Stop to Take the Time
to Do What’s Best for You at the Time.”
 
Therefore it is not just a physical happening. It can be something in any area of life, which is keeping me from acting in my best interests.
 
So in my way I made my list of what comes to my mind to put to rest. I will share it with you.
… I will no longer fix.
… I will no longer jump to solve without request.
… I will stop rescuing.
…those who can fix, solve, or rescue themselves.
These behaviors I will put to rest.
 
 I have come to see these choices I make which are sometimes not in my best interest, are habits to be put to rest, as I learn to put my body and mind to rest too.
 
So I encourage you to try this way of setting a goal for the year. Pick a word which represent the action you want to achieve this year. Once chosen simply do it each time you have a chance to. Keep in mind change takes time and we will have those times of live thru.
Till next time
Lois.
 
Thoughts to use on our journey to strengthen our resilience.
 
First:   YOU DO YOU!!!  Or is it…” I will do me.”
Become comfortable with doing what you think is best for you.
​

Every day our life changes. Changes happen because of the choices we make, good and bad. Change happens, of which we have no control. Those are the changes that can sometime leave us feeling hopeless. But we cannot give up on hope.
Hope is like a tree. The tree will bend but it never falls. It holds on to its roots and stands firm against the storm. Like a tree our hope lies in the roots of hope, the foundation of faith within ourselves and in our fellow man we have. In this storm of uncertainty, let’s attach ourselves, like the tree, to these roots and hold on. Bending, swaying, losing a limb or two, but never breaking never failing. Hope keeps us whole, keeps us from breaking under the pressure of these times.
So, when I find myself saying to myself…”I do not know how I will survive with so much stress in my life.” When searching for an answer to take away the hopelessness, I become strong when I say to myself…” I will maintain hope. I won’t lose it.  I will not give into pain, anger or fear. I will hold onto it. Hope helps me when nothing is left. With hope I can survive also strive. It frees me. Hope is the word which saves me, keeps my journey in life anew.
Hope is a word that speaks to my belief in me and in my fellow man. Hope gives me the inner strength to carry on! So, I will not leave hope behind no matter where I find myself. I will keep hope alive for myself for that is the only way for me to live.”    Lois.
               

To begin our new year of creating a Wellness program  we are going to pay attention to our strengths.  strength we all have within us. If we didn’t we could not be doing what we do…raising children for parents who are unable to parent at this time. This commitment  takes what we call being strong, which by another name, is called Resilience.
 
Resilience is Our Strength We Use to Overcome

• Resiliency means being able to bounce back from life’s ups and downs.
• Those day to day events or encounters that sometime leave you feeling totally overwhelmed at first…
• Being resilient is, where, even though feeling overwhelmed, you do get up, stand here, be there to tackle your day to day, the next day… every day.
• Resiliency means you handle those days, those feelings in healthy ways, allowing yourself to feel the grief, the anger, the loss, and the confusion which comes when your are hurt or being challenged by a life changing event.
• Its knowing, trusting you will make it thru if you continue to do what you doing.
• Its the energy we use when we refuse, doing what we must, not to let these situations or events and their resulting emotions and attitudes become our permanent state of mind.
• It is where we persevere, maintaining our efforts, and then because we did, we somehow receive an unexpected outcome, one where we not only heal, but often bounce back stronger than before.

Resilience, resilient, and resiliency is the ability to:
-  Cope well with high levels of ongoing disruptive change

• Sustain good health and energy when under its constant pressure
• Bounce back easily from setbacks
• Overcome adversities
• Change to a new way of working and living when an old way is not longer possible and do this without acting in dysfunctional or harmful ways
• resiliency is something you do, its more than something you have

Practice resilience use it on purpose
See it in you. Accept its presence within yourself as you give witness to its results. Become aware of how you use it to get over and to get by.
Be grateful for the times when those around you, who watch you do what you do, remind you by saying to you, “You are strong.”
 
            Resilience then is just you being stronger than the situations, by not letting those day to day happenings overwhelm, take over your state of mind, causing you to neglect the what there
is for you to do to keep you and yours going. Its when you just keep on keeping on regardless.
​

​We are continuing our conversation about creating our own self-peace. We will need the tools and techniques to maintain our self-peace once we have connected to it.  The first tool I suggested was the creation of an organized mind and its importance in keeping us aware of our world and our efforts to keep it together. Those efforts make to provide ourselves with some ease as we live day to day. How have you done? Have you come up with your own definition of what is self-peace for you? Have comments or suggestions, please share.
This next the tool I want to suggest is…paying attention to our “self-talk.” Self-talk is about what we say to ourselves about ourselves. Self-talk is powerful because we use it as a window by which to hear and see what we are saying to ourselves, as we react to what happens to us day to day.
There is a technique I call “Just Noticing.” It’s a method we can use to find out just how we are talking about ourselves. It’s paying attention to what is happening to us and anyone else involved because of what we are saying or have said. It’s listening to what is being said to us, by us and about us. It’s being aware of what is done by you and to you and “the” what you do and are doing about it.”
It’s catching yourself “do what you do” “act like you act” “say what you say” in response to what you are going through and with who at the time. And, then taking the time to listen to hear what you are saying to yourself and saying to others about it as we choose to respond. Noticing does not mean “you have to make changes”. It simply means becoming aware of your words as you speak and what they mean in order to know what needs changing and if you want to change it. Keep in mind to change is a choice.
I want to challenge you to listen to yourself during the month of January. Listen to hear, for how you talk to yourself and about yourself. Listen for the words you use. Pay attention, also to your tone of voice as you speak. And if you would, share your experience with us so that we may all grow from our shared experiences.
Lois.

Hello Kinship Caregivers! This week I have a message about trying to keep everything as peaceful for ourselves as we can. Yes, no matter what is going on around us we can try and keep ourselves peaceful. As a caregiver I had to remember this lesson as I dealt with schools, jobs, courts, and other things. Here are some things that I do: 1) Appreciate myself every morning. 2) Make a daily to do list 3) Say no to things that will over extend me or to things that someone else can or should be responsible for 4) Do something healthy everyday 5) Tell my grandchildren that they are beautiful and I love them 5) Call a friend 6) Give my grandchildren chores to do.

If you have some things that you do feel free to give me a call or send me an email and I will put them up.

Have a blessed day, Lois.

Welcome to Kinship Wellness Forum. This month let's talk about how an organized mind leads to peace of mind. An organized mind is important to caregivers because it puts you in touch with everything that's going on in your life. It helps you recognize that you are the center of everything that's happening in your world. It helps you recognize where you should put your energy and not focus on those things you cannot control.

Peace of mind is the absence of mental stress and anxiety, a state of mental and emotional calmness with no worries, fears or stress. The mind is quiet and you can experience sense of happiness and freedom. The question is how to bring more peace of mind in our lives and how to experience it in times of difficulties.

Peace of mind is found as the self-satisfaction you find in what you do and how you live your life to include you. We all have our ways of achieving peace of mind. Share yours with us. Please comment below and let me know how you achieve peace mind for yourself and if you have any advice or words of wisdom of all of us.